intimacy

For once in my life i'm not sure how to articulate what i'm feeling, but i feel like i need to try...

God is taking me to this weird place with Him. Not bad weird, good weird. Until now, with the absolute purest of intentions, I wanted God for so many reasons other than the right reason. I have been so selfish. If we're honest with ourselves i would assume most of us find ourselves in this place quite often. It's not as simple and obvious as it has been perviously in my life. Recently, God has been gracious enough to show me the ways i have exploited Him, to ask me a lot of difficult questions, and to illuminate my own folly. I'm not going to share it all, but this is the big question He asked me:

Do you want me for what I can do or do you want me for who I am? Now, this might seem contradictory at first glance. But think about it. Of course, His power and ability to intervene in our lives is part of His character, and you obviously can't take it out of the equation. But we need to examine our intentions. I have needed to examine my own. What if my prayers were never answered? What if there were no healings, signs and wonders? Would we follow Him simply because He is God? Would His love and sacrifice be enough? Would we still pray? If there were no Heaven or Hell, would you still choose Him? Are we more excited about God beacuse of His power or because He is Creator? Now, i am persistant about seeing the Kingdom advancing in power, and as Christians that is our responsibility...but am i exploiting Him with it? That is the question. I have heard people say, "Oh, you're all about prayer and intercession...but i'm about healings, signs, and wonders." How can you not be about both? I believe that grieves His heart to a degree we cannot imagine.

I have never felt such a stirring before. This is real to me...I am at a huge turning point in my life. I don't want to serve His people because it's what i'm supposed to do. I want to live a life laid down for my brother because that is who He is! I want to be a servant because He was a servant! I have come to this place where i don't want to be a part of another movement, fad, or christian trend. I HAVE TO KNOW HIM. i have to for myself! As much as i acknowlege that God is using people all over this world to bring messages that my heart needs to receive...there is something inside of me that is crying out to hear it from Him. I want Him to tell me- straight from His throne! I want to touch the deepest parts of His heart, and not for my own benefit, but because i'm in love with Him and because He is a deserving and worthy God! Do we really understand that? HE IS GOD! His knowledge is unmeasurable, and the facets of His heart are unimaginable. i am going to dedicate my life to searching out these very things! and i know that out of that prayers will be answered, blessings and favor will come, and that His power will be manifested all over this world through me...but i refuse to have it backwards. i will be a person of His presence because i am intimate with Him!i will not exploit Him. i will know Him.


"For You could give to me
The gift of walking on water
And maybe, maybe I will raise the dead
But I have one life to live
And all I have to give to You, is love
I have one life to live
And all I have to give to You, is love
So won't You let me love You more,
This is all that I desire
Won't you let me love you more,
This is all that I require
Won't you let me love you more,
This is my deepest hearts desire
Won't You let me love You more,
Still more, and more
And if I never walk on water
If I never see the miracles
If I never hear Your voice aloud
Just knowing that You love me
Is enough to keep me here
Just hearing those words
Is enough, is enough to satisfy
I couldn't leave even if I tried
I must have You,
I must have You,
I must have You"

Lord, I must know you.