oh, life. i have been so stressed out. i am taking 11 credit hours this summer, and as of right now i am in class for 10 hours a day, 5 days a week. on top of that i'm doing my best to live and pay my million and one bills without any source of income. it's been difficult to say the least. i had no room to get excited about the semester ending because my 7 credit hour maymester started just 2 days later. i have no room now to get excited about my maymester ending because 2 days after it ends i will be going back to work, starting my unpaid internship, and getting 4 more credit hours under my belt for the remainder of the summer. then i start to think about next year...finishing off my college career with 21 hour semesters, and trying to work enough to pay $4oo worth of bills per month...and that isn't even mentioning food and gas. insanity. just thinking about it all kind of makes me want to throw up. not to mention, all i want to do is quit everything and get my butt back to kenya as soon as humanly possible. so needless to say, it's all had my heart a little down.
BUT, depsite the insanity, there have been these moments of absolute refreshening. moments where i truly feel alive. Seemingly ordinary moments where you feel like you're going to fly right out of your skin. Where it's as if you're standing outside of your body and watching life play itself out right before you. i swear, there have been moments where i have been so happy that i feel like someone is watching me somewhere live them out on a movie screen, with my voice narrating emotions that in my flesh i can't seem to put into words. And to any other person who could of seen these moments, they would over overlooked them without a second thought. but, these are the days you live for, and these are the moments i'll talk about on my deathbad. i know it. maybe one day i'll share them :)
my sister has given birth to the most perfect litte girl in the entire world. my Layla Elise was born a week and 4 days ago just after midnight. before this i swear, i really thought i understood the concept of life- wrong. Let me just say that i am still dumbfounded by the entire thing. i mean, my sister, brought LIFE into this world. this precious baby was INSIDE of her, and then 5 minutes later in my arms. ridiculous. seeing Ashleigh in so much pain and watching her fight so hard! never have i been that proud of someone before. there had been so much tension for those 13 hours until she was born, and when she finally arrived...oh man, it was an indescribable feeling. walking into that room and seeing ashleigh with her daughter, and my niece...i literally had no words. As i held that little girl it was as if everything from my childhood aligned. I rememered all of the hell my sister and i have been through together, and how i knew without a doubt that she was made to be this little girl's mother, and made to do it right. i stood back and had one of those moments. i looked at Ashleigh lying there talking to Tricia, and over to Avy who was taking a picutre of Jonathan holding Layla. it was almost too much to take in. in that moment i swear everything i ever needed was in that room, and the fight became so worth it.
something BIG is happening in the Spirit right now. and if you haven't taken hold of it yet, i suggest you do, because the Lord is on the move. it's been insane the last couple of months. now, i have amazing friends who have always been crazy about Jesus. but i mean, literally, every conversation i have with them now is about how desperate we are for His presence and how determined we are to go after holiness. i am so blessed to be surrounded with like minded people, all after the same goal. we are ruined. forever. as individuals and as a whole. it feels so gratifying to come to a place where it feels strange to hang out and not pray, and where there really isn't much else to talk about besides what God is doing. and not out of duty or a set of rules! it has nothing to do with striving, but rather on overflow in personal lives! i always wanted to be here, but i was always too afraid to go alone. but as always, He is ever faithful. i woke up in the middle of the night last night, and i was just overcome with adoration of Him. i am so ready to waste my life on His purposes. my life is not my own, and there isn't any part of that which scares me anymore. i am ready. i am so expactant for the future. i am anticipating His next move every single day. and everyday i think, am i really here? is it really possible to love Him this much? i am blessed to be living out my dreams. i'm will be a history maker in this land.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Saturday, May 3, 2008
faithful
First of all, let's go back...
It all started with a dream that I had about a month ago. Before I tell the dream, it is important to have a little background information. I have these boxes. 4 of them. They have been in my trunk since i've had a car. In these boxes I have everything from my past that I can't seem to let go of. Pictures, family pictures I stole, yearbooks, high school memorbilia, letters, and even stuffed animals from when I was a kid. Anyway, back to my dream. In my dream I was walking into an empty apartment and I was moving these boxes in. As I sat the last box down in my living room floor, I just laid down and started crying. I woke up soaked in tears. I couldn't fall back asleep so I began to talk to the Lord about this dream. I spoke to him, again, about my need to have something tangible. I feel like this is always what I am crying out for. I am always crying out for stability. I've been living on couches for 4 years now, and as grateful as I am, it is finally wearing me down to my end. I need to "un pack" my life. I desperately need something that is mine alone.
A few weeks later, I was at church and there was a woman who had a prophetic word for me. She said that she had a vision of me with a box in my arms...and in this box I kept all of the memories I couldn't let go of. She said she saw pictures, letters, and even a stuffed animal (obviously the same box). She said the Lord is wanting to break the lie that the things in this box will bring me happiness. That Satan has intentions of using these things to hold me back, and continuously remind me of what I don't and never will have. She said that Lord doesn't want me to keep one single thing from those boxes that doesn't make me smile. If it makes me bitter, angry, or hurt...get rid of it for good because these things will never change what happened to me.
So last night I resolved in my heart that I was going to be obediant to the Lord. And it was such a sweet sweet moment ( rather, hours...) that He spent with me. He individually, with each item, told me what I could keep and what I couldn't. I was so broken. But it wasn't the kind of broken that is bad necessarily. It was very bittersweet. I felt gently broken, if that makes sense. Like he slowly drew me to me knees and hovered over me while I was laying there crying. I swear I tangibly felt Him hold me as I cried harder than I have in years. It was a feeling as if someone had died. As if I wasn't just packing all of the things that hurt me into boxes in my heart where I wouldn't have to see or feel them...but I was finally letting that part of me die for good. I kept hearing the Lord speak over me, "Amber, they aren't going to hurt you anymore..." He was so gentle with me. I can't explain it, other than I was having a real interaction with the person of God last night. I felt His jealousy for me. I felt His mercy pouring over me, and I swear I felt Him mourning with me. It was one of my favorite memories I've ever had with the Lord. I will never forget it. There were a few things I kept...a lot of letters from my sister, and special memories of her and I. Really, besides her i'd like to forget almost everything else. She is the only thing that ever made me happy.
In His faithfulness, He also allowed me to find something I never expected. In the middle of this "death" I found a letter from Jonathan. I had no idea where it came from or how it got where it was. The letter was written over 2 years ago..it was before we had ever liked eachother. This is what it said:
"The Lord gave me a vision of a diamond and it must of had a million edges, and it was so complex and really shiny. And I asked more about the diamond and God said to tell Amber, "I see her as a diamond. She has so much beauty, and there are so many intricate aspects that I love about her. She is perfect just as she is...no touch ups or silver or gold is needed to compliment her. She is a flawless diamond just as I planned her to be." I LOVE YOU!" I needed so badly in that moment to know I wasn't alone. I now know that Lord told him that, all those years ago, for this very moment. He knew when He gave Jonathan that picture, that it would give me the comfort I needed in a desperately sorrowful moment i'd have. And the fact that the first thing the Lord ever showed to Jonathan concerning me was a diamond...A DIAMOND. Ah, He is just so good! I have never known anything stronger than how deeply I knew that Jonathan was supposed to be my husband in that moment. It's as if the Lord was shouting out His faithfulness to me!
Last night was hard. But, the Lord is so good. I love the way he personally teaches me His heart for me to me over and over again. He always proves Himself faithful. Everytime. He is so real to me. Now more than ever.
It all started with a dream that I had about a month ago. Before I tell the dream, it is important to have a little background information. I have these boxes. 4 of them. They have been in my trunk since i've had a car. In these boxes I have everything from my past that I can't seem to let go of. Pictures, family pictures I stole, yearbooks, high school memorbilia, letters, and even stuffed animals from when I was a kid. Anyway, back to my dream. In my dream I was walking into an empty apartment and I was moving these boxes in. As I sat the last box down in my living room floor, I just laid down and started crying. I woke up soaked in tears. I couldn't fall back asleep so I began to talk to the Lord about this dream. I spoke to him, again, about my need to have something tangible. I feel like this is always what I am crying out for. I am always crying out for stability. I've been living on couches for 4 years now, and as grateful as I am, it is finally wearing me down to my end. I need to "un pack" my life. I desperately need something that is mine alone.
A few weeks later, I was at church and there was a woman who had a prophetic word for me. She said that she had a vision of me with a box in my arms...and in this box I kept all of the memories I couldn't let go of. She said she saw pictures, letters, and even a stuffed animal (obviously the same box). She said the Lord is wanting to break the lie that the things in this box will bring me happiness. That Satan has intentions of using these things to hold me back, and continuously remind me of what I don't and never will have. She said that Lord doesn't want me to keep one single thing from those boxes that doesn't make me smile. If it makes me bitter, angry, or hurt...get rid of it for good because these things will never change what happened to me.
So last night I resolved in my heart that I was going to be obediant to the Lord. And it was such a sweet sweet moment ( rather, hours...) that He spent with me. He individually, with each item, told me what I could keep and what I couldn't. I was so broken. But it wasn't the kind of broken that is bad necessarily. It was very bittersweet. I felt gently broken, if that makes sense. Like he slowly drew me to me knees and hovered over me while I was laying there crying. I swear I tangibly felt Him hold me as I cried harder than I have in years. It was a feeling as if someone had died. As if I wasn't just packing all of the things that hurt me into boxes in my heart where I wouldn't have to see or feel them...but I was finally letting that part of me die for good. I kept hearing the Lord speak over me, "Amber, they aren't going to hurt you anymore..." He was so gentle with me. I can't explain it, other than I was having a real interaction with the person of God last night. I felt His jealousy for me. I felt His mercy pouring over me, and I swear I felt Him mourning with me. It was one of my favorite memories I've ever had with the Lord. I will never forget it. There were a few things I kept...a lot of letters from my sister, and special memories of her and I. Really, besides her i'd like to forget almost everything else. She is the only thing that ever made me happy.
In His faithfulness, He also allowed me to find something I never expected. In the middle of this "death" I found a letter from Jonathan. I had no idea where it came from or how it got where it was. The letter was written over 2 years ago..it was before we had ever liked eachother. This is what it said:
"The Lord gave me a vision of a diamond and it must of had a million edges, and it was so complex and really shiny. And I asked more about the diamond and God said to tell Amber, "I see her as a diamond. She has so much beauty, and there are so many intricate aspects that I love about her. She is perfect just as she is...no touch ups or silver or gold is needed to compliment her. She is a flawless diamond just as I planned her to be." I LOVE YOU!" I needed so badly in that moment to know I wasn't alone. I now know that Lord told him that, all those years ago, for this very moment. He knew when He gave Jonathan that picture, that it would give me the comfort I needed in a desperately sorrowful moment i'd have. And the fact that the first thing the Lord ever showed to Jonathan concerning me was a diamond...A DIAMOND. Ah, He is just so good! I have never known anything stronger than how deeply I knew that Jonathan was supposed to be my husband in that moment. It's as if the Lord was shouting out His faithfulness to me!
Last night was hard. But, the Lord is so good. I love the way he personally teaches me His heart for me to me over and over again. He always proves Himself faithful. Everytime. He is so real to me. Now more than ever.
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