faithful

First of all, let's go back...

It all started with a dream that I had about a month ago. Before I tell the dream, it is important to have a little background information. I have these boxes. 4 of them. They have been in my trunk since i've had a car. In these boxes I have everything from my past that I can't seem to let go of. Pictures, family pictures I stole, yearbooks, high school memorbilia, letters, and even stuffed animals from when I was a kid. Anyway, back to my dream. In my dream I was walking into an empty apartment and I was moving these boxes in. As I sat the last box down in my living room floor, I just laid down and started crying. I woke up soaked in tears. I couldn't fall back asleep so I began to talk to the Lord about this dream. I spoke to him, again, about my need to have something tangible. I feel like this is always what I am crying out for. I am always crying out for stability. I've been living on couches for 4 years now, and as grateful as I am, it is finally wearing me down to my end. I need to "un pack" my life. I desperately need something that is mine alone.

A few weeks later, I was at church and there was a woman who had a prophetic word for me. She said that she had a vision of me with a box in my arms...and in this box I kept all of the memories I couldn't let go of. She said she saw pictures, letters, and even a stuffed animal (obviously the same box). She said the Lord is wanting to break the lie that the things in this box will bring me happiness. That Satan has intentions of using these things to hold me back, and continuously remind me of what I don't and never will have. She said that Lord doesn't want me to keep one single thing from those boxes that doesn't make me smile. If it makes me bitter, angry, or hurt...get rid of it for good because these things will never change what happened to me.

So last night I resolved in my heart that I was going to be obediant to the Lord. And it was such a sweet sweet moment ( rather, hours...) that He spent with me. He individually, with each item, told me what I could keep and what I couldn't. I was so broken. But it wasn't the kind of broken that is bad necessarily. It was very bittersweet. I felt gently broken, if that makes sense. Like he slowly drew me to me knees and hovered over me while I was laying there crying. I swear I tangibly felt Him hold me as I cried harder than I have in years. It was a feeling as if someone had died. As if I wasn't just packing all of the things that hurt me into boxes in my heart where I wouldn't have to see or feel them...but I was finally letting that part of me die for good. I kept hearing the Lord speak over me, "Amber, they aren't going to hurt you anymore..." He was so gentle with me. I can't explain it, other than I was having a real interaction with the person of God last night. I felt His jealousy for me. I felt His mercy pouring over me, and I swear I felt Him mourning with me. It was one of my favorite memories I've ever had with the Lord. I will never forget it. There were a few things I kept...a lot of letters from my sister, and special memories of her and I. Really, besides her i'd like to forget almost everything else. She is the only thing that ever made me happy.

In His faithfulness, He also allowed me to find something I never expected. In the middle of this "death" I found a letter from Jonathan. I had no idea where it came from or how it got where it was. The letter was written over 2 years ago..it was before we had ever liked eachother. This is what it said:
"The Lord gave me a vision of a diamond and it must of had a million edges, and it was so complex and really shiny. And I asked more about the diamond and God said to tell Amber, "I see her as a diamond. She has so much beauty, and there are so many intricate aspects that I love about her. She is perfect just as she is...no touch ups or silver or gold is needed to compliment her. She is a flawless diamond just as I planned her to be." I LOVE YOU!"

I needed so badly in that moment to know I wasn't alone. I now know that Lord told him that, all those years ago, for this very moment. He knew when He gave Jonathan that picture, that it would give me the comfort I needed in a desperately sorrowful moment i'd have. And the fact that the first thing the Lord ever showed to Jonathan concerning me was a diamond...A DIAMOND. Ah, He is just so good! I have never known anything stronger than how deeply I knew that Jonathan was supposed to be my husband in that moment. It's as if the Lord was shouting out His faithfulness to me!


Last night was hard. But, the Lord is so good. I love the way he personally teaches me His heart for me to me over and over again. He always proves Himself faithful. Everytime. He is so real to me. Now more than ever.