alive

oh, life. i have been so stressed out. i am taking 11 credit hours this summer, and as of right now i am in class for 10 hours a day, 5 days a week. on top of that i'm doing my best to live and pay my million and one bills without any source of income. it's been difficult to say the least. i had no room to get excited about the semester ending because my 7 credit hour maymester started just 2 days later. i have no room now to get excited about my maymester ending because 2 days after it ends i will be going back to work, starting my unpaid internship, and getting 4 more credit hours under my belt for the remainder of the summer. then i start to think about next year...finishing off my college career with 21 hour semesters, and trying to work enough to pay $4oo worth of bills per month...and that isn't even mentioning food and gas. insanity. just thinking about it all kind of makes me want to throw up. not to mention, all i want to do is quit everything and get my butt back to kenya as soon as humanly possible. so needless to say, it's all had my heart a little down.

BUT, depsite the insanity, there have been these moments of absolute refreshening. moments where i truly feel alive. Seemingly ordinary moments where you feel like you're going to fly right out of your skin. Where it's as if you're standing outside of your body and watching life play itself out right before you. i swear, there have been moments where i have been so happy that i feel like someone is watching me somewhere live them out on a movie screen, with my voice narrating emotions that in my flesh i can't seem to put into words. And to any other person who could of seen these moments, they would over overlooked them without a second thought. but, these are the days you live for, and these are the moments i'll talk about on my deathbad. i know it. maybe one day i'll share them :)

my sister has given birth to the most perfect litte girl in the entire world. my Layla Elise was born a week and 4 days ago just after midnight. before this i swear, i really thought i understood the concept of life- wrong. Let me just say that i am still dumbfounded by the entire thing. i mean, my sister, brought LIFE into this world. this precious baby was INSIDE of her, and then 5 minutes later in my arms. ridiculous. seeing Ashleigh in so much pain and watching her fight so hard! never have i been that proud of someone before. there had been so much tension for those 13 hours until she was born, and when she finally arrived...oh man, it was an indescribable feeling. walking into that room and seeing ashleigh with her daughter, and my niece...i literally had no words. As i held that little girl it was as if everything from my childhood aligned. I rememered all of the hell my sister and i have been through together, and how i knew without a doubt that she was made to be this little girl's mother, and made to do it right. i stood back and had one of those moments. i looked at Ashleigh lying there talking to Tricia, and over to Avy who was taking a picutre of Jonathan holding Layla. it was almost too much to take in. in that moment i swear everything i ever needed was in that room, and the fight became so worth it.

something BIG is happening in the Spirit right now. and if you haven't taken hold of it yet, i suggest you do, because the Lord is on the move. it's been insane the last couple of months. now, i have amazing friends who have always been crazy about Jesus. but i mean, literally, every conversation i have with them now is about how desperate we are for His presence and how determined we are to go after holiness. i am so blessed to be surrounded with like minded people, all after the same goal. we are ruined. forever. as individuals and as a whole. it feels so gratifying to come to a place where it feels strange to hang out and not pray, and where there really isn't much else to talk about besides what God is doing. and not out of duty or a set of rules! it has nothing to do with striving, but rather on overflow in personal lives! i always wanted to be here, but i was always too afraid to go alone. but as always, He is ever faithful. i woke up in the middle of the night last night, and i was just overcome with adoration of Him. i am so ready to waste my life on His purposes. my life is not my own, and there isn't any part of that which scares me anymore. i am ready. i am so expactant for the future. i am anticipating His next move every single day. and everyday i think, am i really here? is it really possible to love Him this much? i am blessed to be living out my dreams. i'm will be a history maker in this land.