overflow

overflow is the only word i know to describe my life right now... literally it has been the most rewarding yet exhausting summer of my life. the reality of the unseen is becoming more real to me than anything my humanly eyes can show me. i am blessed. i am ruined.

i am painfully aware of His presence at every moment. i had only previously thought to understand what it meant to be in His presence. i recently had an encounter that left me absolutely broken before Him. it has changed me in capacities i wasn't even aware i needed change. but i guess that is what the Spirit does, when He shows up everything changes. ha...anyway...within His presence all i could do was cry and regurgitate back to Him His own identity...Holy, Worthy, Righteous. all words that seemed to fail in comparison to His Greatness. it was a throneroom experience that has begun to help me understand how the 4 living creatures and the elders can cry "Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty who was and is and is to come" and never grow tired. everytime His light shone back upon me in this visitation a new aspect of Him would absolutely overtake me. there is no one like Him in all the earth, and for once i'm not just speaking it as though it were. in that place, i meant it. my mind, body, soul, and spirit seemed to be consumed by it. I REALLY MEANT IT. i never wanted to get up off of that floor ever again. in that place there was everything i needed. literally, the thought of ever moving from that spot made me want to scream...and i did. but with this comes a fear. i'm tired of people running around talking about the glory of God with no understanding of what it means. the glory of God is a scary thing. what this generation needs is a realization of who they are in comparison to this glory! THAT IS REAL REVIVAL. It's more than a laugh, a song, a nice concept...do we really understand that He is holy? i don't understand it yet. but i have resolved in my heart to turn from the lusts of our age and to press into the communtion i was created to live in with the Uncreated. i am desperate for His truth. i am starving for the knowledge of God. i need the revelation of the Word made flesh! apart from Him there is no good inside me. i am in constant need of His will and His authority in my life. i do not love Him rightly, but i am learning. the Word sasy if you say you love God but hate your brother, then you are a liar. i have lied to God's face. but i crave to love perfectly, and i am letting Him teach me what love really means. He is teaching me to be a servant, with a life laid down in love. i will be a servant because Jesus was the ultimate servant. i am learning grace. i have recently realized that this is another thing i really don't quite get yet. you see, i have offered all kinds of the "grace" to people in the world, but when Christians fall i so easily turn my head in disgust. but, you see, forgiveness is for unbelievers, not grace. grace is only for those who are already forgiven. and forgiveness is something i could never offer.

a couple of months ago i thought so highly of my spiritual life. and if i could of known then where i'd be now, i'd probably be quite impressed. but that is seeing with my natural eyes. the glory of God has ruined me. everything in my flesh, even if it be something spiritual, is only filthy rags if the intent of my heart is incorrect. my spiritual eyes have heightened my understanding of how wicked the human heart really is. in His mercy i have seen that my heart is desperately unrighteous. but i serve a God who does not turn a deaf ear to my cries. He is patient and kind to me. He loves the yes in my heart. He is faithful to teach me what my Spirit groans for.

i will know Him. whatever it takes, i will know him.